Relationships: The Road to Happily Ever After

40+ and Counting…The Road to Happily Ever After

Some might think it crazy, but I’ve been in love with the same man for over 40 years. Richard and I met the fall semester of our sophomore year in college. I was 19 and he was 20, and by the end of that summer, we were married. It was a totally out of character move on my part.

At that point, I was all in on becoming a journalist and living out my writing dreams in New York City. Out of nowhere, comes this brother who, honestly, didn’t even fit the profile of someone I imagined I would end up with. What got my attention as a teenage girl was strong and muscular with a representative slice of “hood.” Rich on the other hand was a country boy, straight off the farm, with little to no swag.

But there was something real about him that was irresistible and honest as well as smart and funny. He said what he meant and did what he said. Now that I’m older and mature enough to recognize it, I realize he had many of the same qualities I loved and respected about my dad. On top of that, the guy was Persistent (capital “P). There was no escaping his pursuit!  All that, combined with the major cool point he got for being the bass player in a hot local band, and suddenly I found myself in deep. It’s beyond my ability to explain, but God spoke within me and let me know I had met the One. It wasn’t happening on my timetable, but nevertheless, it was happening. I’m so thankful I was able to recognize and not dismiss my blessing when it showed up. 

A lot can happen in 40 years, and while I do not make any claims on being an expert, I do think being in love and married to the same person for that long comes with its own agency and provides me with some leeway to talk about it. There are no perfect relationships and ours is no exception. On top of that, each one is different. But experience is an incredible teacher, and that’s the reason I’m sharing some of mine.

First, I would never recommend anyone settle into marriage as young as we did. At 19 adults still see you as a “child.” Rich, at 20 was a statistical no, no. His parents were long since divorced and he grew up on a Virginia farm where he was raised by his aging grandparents. They did their best, but not having his parents around had taken a toll. My resume was a total opposite. I was a pastor’s daughter and grew up with two parents in a house where God and church were at the center of it. By accepted standards, a union between the two of us was ripe to be total train wreck.

There is no question that our ages played a factor for at least the first ten years of the relationship. Neither of us had ever lived on our own, so even the basics like renting an apartment (with no credit), security deposits and connecting utilities, were just some of the life skills we learned together. Within the first year, we moved three times. The third place was a townhouse in a brand-new community. We did a rent to own agreement and were homeowners by year two. Excited about our new house and armed with a brand-new credit card, we charged a house full of stuff to furnish it, and in no time, we were over our heads in debt.

As the financial pressure mounted, so did our lack of patience with each other. On top of that, before the end of our second year, I was pregnant with our oldest daughter. I found being a mother at twenty-one, overwhelming. Rich was a campus police officer working swing shifts while also going to school. As a result, the care of our daughter was left to me. I resented having to bear so much of the load, and at least temporarily, having to set-aside my own career goals. We were both mentally and physically exhausted. He was getting on my nerves, and I was getting on his. The thrill was basically gone.

What followed were years of bickering that were further exasperated by issues of infidelity and a lack of trust at a magnitude that would have destroyed most couples. We were spiraling fast towards a dead end. But as hard and painful as that period was, we could not dismiss that we still loved each other. We were a family, and neither of us wanted to leave.

After years of working and going to school, Rich completed his bachelor’s degree in criminal justice and, shortly after, applied and was accepted into the FBI. He had to quickly report to the academy at Quantico for twelve weeks of training. At the end of week eight, he was told he was being assigned to their Pittsburgh field office. By then, we had two young girls, ages eight and three. Soon after the twelfth week ended, we were packed and ready to take off on our first major adventure as a family and to a city where we had never been.

That move proved to be a positive turning point in our relationship. In our early thirties with two kids, we were more mature, and the change in environment brought us closer. We didn’t know anyone, so all we had was each other. Every day was exciting as we settled into our new town. It was an adventure and more importantly, we were doing it together!

The rest, as people say, is history. We lived in Pittsburgh for five years, Baltimore for seven, and then finally ended up back in Virginia. Like all couples, we still have rough patches, but we have never again experienced the rocky road that defined our twenties. Now in our sixties, we’ve evolved into a loving, powerful duo, and I’m also proud to say, really good friends!

Achieving longevity in a relationship is not for the faint hearted. It requires way more work than most people think and it doesn’t perform well on autopilot. It must be tended to. You and your partner must have an undeterred commitment to making it work and not giving up when the hard times hit—and be assured, they will come.

All long-term relationships have been through periods of discontent. For some, like ours, those times can last for years, even decades. Even so-called “perfect couples” have a history that might shock those who think they know them. Trust me, it’s true. What others see from the outside and what goes on once the door is closed, can be completely different. Until you know a person 10, 15, or even 20 years, you have only scratched the surface of who they truly are. That deeper understanding comes with years of unpacking layer upon layer of their baggage as well as your own. Years of observing how that same baggage manifests in certain situations; understanding its cause and developing an ability to accept and rationally talk about it.

Time is the best teacher in learning how to communicate effectively; and in a way that doesn’t result in a huge fight. Given the right place, time and sensitivity, you can say almost anything you need to communicate without the other person getting defensive. It’s a skill that gets sharpened with lots of trial and error. Even then, you won’t always get it right. Reaching that place where your rhythms flow effortlessly together takes time. It is a place where you are well versed on how to navigate around land mines, which years before, would have represented major conflict.

Bottom line, I believe success in marriage is not defined by how many bad versus good years a couple has, but instead by whether the relationship has the strength to survive them. If it is strong enough, you can arrive at that place in love we all hope for. It’s where, as a couple, you receive the reward for all your hard work. It’s a blissful, lovely peace that settles in after those earlier, rough seas have calmed. It’s the place where both of you, as well as the relationship, are happy, fulfilled and thriving! That’s the true happily ever after. Stay strong and hang in there. The years of hard work that have to be put in are so worth the effort! 

 —K—

Questions: Are women really better communicators than men?? What are some lessons you’ve learned from your relationship?

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